2002 AUG 02 THE SPOILED TEMPTRESS

Quoting the now mediafied—once the king and now the ringer for a rapper—Nas, "If I ruled the world..." there would be no war between nations. We would only take our heat out on certain contingencies at proper times; the punching bags being the Los Angeles Lakers, the New York Yankees, the Atlanta Braves and the Dallas Cowboys. The official musicians of the planet would be New Order, Kruder & Dorfmeister, Radiohead and S.E.S. (Yes, I realize that two Brit groups, one Austrian duo and a Korean triplet leaves out the American side of the things, but hey, shit happens.) "And people would listen to what I say instead of staring at my breasts!" Well, alright, that's for the women out there. I'm fair and all.

My hair gel would not cost $16, and the word "love" would be lost forever. Why? Because then you wouldn't be able to misuse it; you'd just know it when it was there. I would undoubdtedly recover the contents of the last three hard drives that died on me, including the hidden directories that contained top secret photography work. Korean and Japanese food, for once, would become affordable, and Japanese twins with pigtails would be around whenever you needed them. Real estate in New York and Tokyo would cost the same as in the great state of Texas.

And in the end, I'd learn a lesson that I should have learned long ago: Dreaming and wishing is the same to the human psyche as smoking is to your lungs. It's addictive, it's contagious and ultimately, it'll kill you.

2002 AUG 01 MIRACLES IN CHILDBIRTH

I must be one of the most special people on earth. I have abilities that no one else can compete with. I am, in short, amazing. Take, for example, my ability to sit in front of a computer with a project at hand for two days straight only to go completely numb and produce little to nothing in terms of content. It's mind-boggling, beyond the realm of science, only to be answered by something ethereal in description. Not to mention, I can "oversleep" thirteen hours at a time.

Maybe I'm not human. Maybe I'm a bear. Or something.

2002 JUL 31 ABSENTEE LIVING

You never seem to miss people until you realize
that they're living their lives without you.

I've been going around taking a lot of pictures lately, thanks to Josh letting me borrow his Nikon Coolpix 995 while he sells his soul to corporate slavery at Salomon Smith Barney. In 25 days, I've taken 1,347 pictures, much of which are horrible and pointless. One thing I've noticed is that I enjoy taking candid shots of people. Nothing racy, but just the look on people's faces like when they're waiting to cross the street: that look of intense concentration, of life and death and thinking, "What am I going to have for dinner?"

What I never really gave thought to is the fact that it goes both ways. Often, I've found myself going blind because someone was taking pictures next to me. People I don't know, will never know and don't really care to know. But when that child in the photograph is older, he'll look at the head behind his and wonder, "Why does he have that grimace on his face?" And maybe he'll figure out that it was because his mother had molested my eyes. Perhaps he'll even understand that thirty years down the road, someone else will ask the same of him.

It's all very funny in a Lion King-esque circle of life way that we all experience the same things in life. Sometimes, though, because we're so busy thinking about our own selves, we don't realize that we're doing the same to others. Sometimes, it's something even simpler: like living in the absence of someone you once knew well.

2002 JUL 30 THE EASTER BUNNY MEETS A MARTIAN

(Originally written on April 10, 1995 for Mrs. Fawcett's Pre-AP English class)

"Wooow!" I said when I saw a spaceship land on my frontyard.

"I am from Mars," a weird thing said. "Who are you, you stupid, fat bunny?"

"Ahh-aaah-ahh I dunno," I mumbled out. "I'm the easter bunny."

"The e-what you stupid, fat, froggy-like wanna-be kangaroo!" it said tauntingly.

"For your information, I am a well-respected bunny on this planet. I hope you can treat me the way you would treat your king," I told him flat out.

"Excuse me, but do you know that I am the Martian king?" it said proudly.

"Heh, heh. Then what the heck are you doing here?" I screamed in his face.

"I am looking for good luck," the Martian said as if he was helpless.

"By chance do you know that a rabbit's foot is considered precious luck on this planet?" I asked him.

"Well then give it to me," he said like a robot.

"Go to sleep if you want it, or you'll have to fight me" I yelled at him. "Now get out of my way. I got to give that little ratty Clinton's daughter her lousy egg."

"You will have to get through me to get out of here alive," the Martian said.

"You want a leg? Huh? Well then go get Clinton's foot. He is faster than a cheetah the way he runs away from those Whitewater charges. You should be able to go to Mars by walking with those legs for goodness' sake. Now get the heck out of my way!" I screamed in his greenish little face.

"Okay! If you're gonna be that mean to me I shall have to get Clinton's foot." He told me like he was giving up.

"Oh yea, by the way, take this air freshener with you. You don't wanna die because of foot odor after coming all this far," I told him as I gave him a can of lemon Pledge.

This has been satirical commentary from the mind of a thirteen year old.