A man was caught today at the edge of the earth as he tried to jump off into the vast openness of cheese. He had made himself a nacho and was attempting to dive into the abundant Velveeta runoff that had so polluted the universe. He was, as you have found out, unsuccessful.
Upon being jailed in the shoe of Shaquille O’Neal, the man confessed to crimes against women: Leaving the toilet seat up, watching naughty television channels and not opening the door for that chick who has the thing with the thing that does that thing. He was, in the court of Chapel Hill, found guilty.
He is now serving 81 rounds of 7.9 second sentences in Fort Worth, Texas, as he is being forced to be glued to a bull and then thrown into the bullriding contest and then being dragged off the bull at exactly 7.9 seconds. This disqualifies him from the magic number contention of 8.0 seconds.
On behalf of cruel and unusual punishment, his wife has wished him good luck. And brought him salsa in case he ever goes over to the other side.